Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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