While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
