This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
