My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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