I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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