I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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