I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize