I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
