hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
