I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
