i think my tv is drunk
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
