Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
