So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
