Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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