i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
