Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
