something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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