im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
