Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
