I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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