I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
