To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
