I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
