I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
