Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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