Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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