Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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