Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
