I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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