I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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