Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
