I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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