theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
