Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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