I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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