3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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