Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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