i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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