i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
