Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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