Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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