I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
