your room smells of hookers.
And success
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
