peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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