You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
