If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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