Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
