happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
