So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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