Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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